It all started with nightmares, or so I thought…
I was officially diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder in late 2022. I had been having particularly bad nightmares for a few years at this point, and they were increasing in intensity and frequency. I would wake up with my heart beating out of my chest, covered in sweat, and often disoriented. It would take me several minutes to realize where I was. A few times I would vomit as soon as I woke up.
I spoke with my therapist about these incidents, and she recommended a psychiatrist who officially diagnosed me with PTSD, and I began taking medication. I would love to tell you that the medication helped, and that was the end of my journey, but it was just the beginning.
The truth is, there were other symptoms long before the nightmares began. Looking back, these subtle changes increased over time. Although the changes started out small, as time went by, they had a severe impact on my mental health and well-being.
I was more distant and withdrawn from the people around me.
I preferred isolation over connections.
I was increasingly irritable as time went by.
I had a more negative outlook than I ever had in my life.
I was constantly trying to distract myself so I wouldn’t feel anything.
I have often wondered why I wasn’t able to see these things for what they were. After years of therapy, and working on myself, the answer became clear to me.
Shame.
In my head I could rationalize having nightmares because they were out of my control. I had experienced horror on a level most people will never see. I was in denial about every other symptom. In my head, they made me feel weak. I wasn’t tough or special, I was just another victim. The idea of me being weak and a victim was shameful to me.
I had spent years building this idea that I was able to experience hard things and not have them affect me. The truth is, I didn’t put in the work to build resilience so I could still perform after experiencing trauma.
Once I confronted my own shame, I was finally able to become the person I always wanted. True strength lies in vulnerability. I had to hit bottom before I could become the man I pretended to be.
I started to actively address my trauma, my shame, and how I interacted with the world around me. After years of bottling up my emotions, change wasn’t easy. I had to change how I viewed myself, and what I defined as weakness.
I have accepted that through therapy, medication, and self-reflection, I can change my definition of strength. Strength isn’t suppressing trauma. True strength is built through vulnerability and evolving into a more resilient person.
I still struggle from time to time. I am lucky to have a partner in Jenna who not only understands what I am going through, but who helps me be better. She has helped me carry the weight of my experiences, so they don’t pull me so far down that I cannot function.
I have seen improvements after several changes in medications. I am going through EMDR sessions and constantly working on myself. I know that my path is a long one, but I will always try and be the best version of myself for not only my wife and family, but for myself.
This journey with PTSD is my “why”. It’s why I started Bitsko Consulting, it’s why I teach about resilience, and it’s why I am vulnerable and get emotional in front of officers every time I teach it. I want people to hear first hand the impact PTSD has had on mine and my family’s life, and hopefully identify similarities in themselves and get help if they need it.
Please reach out if you are interested in having us teach about resilience, PTSD, and the hard emotions officers confront during critical incidents.
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