February 11th…February 28th…October 1st…. November 6th. These dates always hit me hard. They are constant reminders of the trauma I have experienced in my life.
They represent my dad’s death, my brother’s death, the 1-Oct Las Vegas Massacre, and an officer involved shooting. I try not to let an arbitrary date affect me, but it almost always does.
The National Center for PTSD explains why some people have such strong anniversary reactions. They explain that “anniversary reactions may occur because of the way a traumatic experience is saved in memory. Memories of trauma contain information about the danger during the event. The memory helps us be aware of when we should be afraid, how to feel in that situation, and what to think. The trauma memory gives information that may help us stay safe.” You can read the whole article here.
Leading up to the dates, I usually feel increased anxiety. There is a constant reminder of the trauma that I have experienced every time I see the date.
Since the 1 October shooting, I have struggled with nightmares. I am working with a Dr to find a solution, and my treatment is ongoing. The frequency of these nightmares always increases around the anniversary. These nightmares are intense, and often involve me jarring awake covered in sweat, yelling, or confused for an extended period.
Not only are these nightmares disturbing to experience, but they affect my sleep for days after. I lay in bed, tired but worried that when I fall asleep, I am going to have another nightmare, waking up my wife, and knowing I won’t be falling asleep again.
Not only does my anxiety increase from the approaching anniversary, but lack of sleep impacts my emotional state in general. It’s a vicious cycle that I am working on in therapy to try and mitigate.
I can also tell you that some dates hit harder than others. When it was my brother’s birthday, I realized he would be 45. I don’t know why the fact that he would have been 45 on that day impacted me so much. I think it was because it was a reminder of everything that he had missed up to that point since he passed away.
Some other emotions you may feel leading up to the date are:
· Increased irritability
· Numbness
· Sadness
· Anger
· Hyper-vigilance
As these dates approach, there are a few things that I do to mitigate the negative emotions. I don’t do these things to avoid the hard feeling, but to help with some of the negative emotions the day can bring.
· Plan the day beforehand. Spend time doing activities that bring you joy.
· Exercise. Getting out and moving has a way of helping me through hard emotions.
· Make self-care a priority. I like to connect with nature, but do what “fills your soul”.
· Volunteer. Helping others may help add positivity into an otherwise negative day.
· Reach out. You don’t have to deal with everything alone. You can reach out to friends and family.
· I always schedule my therapy right before these days to help me with the coping process.
Improving your mental health is a lifelong journey. I have shared some insight into mine in hopes that it can help you at whatever point you are in your own journey.
If you have dates that are hard or triggering for you, reach out! I’m always available to listen and help.
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