Avoidance in Leadership and Life

I remember being a new sergeant and getting called into my lieutenant’s office. He had received a complaint about one of my officers after a scenario-based training session. The issue wasn’t that the officer performed poorly. It was how he reacted to feedback. He became defensive, aggressive, and argumentative with the training staff.

We talked through the complaint and what my plan was. I told him I’d counsel the officer, document the conversation, and offer guidance. It was the end of shift, so I decided I’d handle it after our days off. I told myself I didn’t want the officer stressing about it all weekend. The truth was that I didn’t want to have the conversation. I knew it would be uncomfortable.

I spent my whole weekend thinking about it anyway. It was the first time I’d had to counsel an employee, and I kept replaying the conversation in my head. I imagined how he might react, how I could de-escalate if needed, and how to make the conversation productive. Instead of enjoying my days off, I burned them worrying about a conversation I should have handled right away.

What I learned from that weekend is something most leaders eventually realize: avoidance never protects you from discomfort. It just delays it and usually makes it worse.

We avoid tough conversations because we don’t want conflict. We avoid giving feedback because we worry about how the other person will react. We avoid making decisions because we’re afraid of choosing wrong. In the moment, avoidance feels like relief. You get to push the stress a little farther down the road.

But the cost shows up quickly.

In leadership, avoidance builds confusion. Your team starts guessing what you want because you’re not saying it. Small issues grow into real problems because they were never addressed when they were easy to fix. People lose trust when you sidestep conversations that matter. They may not say it out loud, but they feel it. A leader who avoids conflict becomes a leader people tiptoe around.

Avoidance also shows up in relationships. It’s the unasked question. The conversation you keep putting off. The feeling you bury because you don’t want to create tension at home. You tell yourself you’re keeping the peace, but all you’re doing is creating distance. Most relationships don’t break because of one big moment. They drift because of years of unspoken thoughts and unresolved issues.

Avoidance pretends to protect you. What it really does is isolate you. It trades a few minutes of discomfort for days, weeks, or even years of low-grade stress.

That first counseling session taught me something important: the conversation you’re avoiding is almost always the conversation you need the most. When you address it early, you lead with clarity. When you address it honestly, you strengthen trust. And when you address it with empathy, you keep the relationship intact.

Avoidance is the enemy of growth. I had to develop the courage to not avoid difficult conversations. You can too.